“SHEPHERDING A CHILD’S HEART”
Consider with me
this parenting scenario, though you may need to adjust the situation to match
the age of your children. Suzie and Joey
are playing in the family room when a conflict arises over who should play with
a toy. The conflict doesn’t appear to
be diminishing, so you decide to intervene.
You find that Suzie had the toy first, and had played with it for a long
time. Joey first asked Suzie politely
if he could play with the toy. When
Suzie refused, Joey began to insist that it was his turn. Finally, the conflict turned into an all out
tug-of-war. You decide that Suzie and
Joey should each take turns for half an hour at a time, and it would be Joey’s
turn first. You provide a timer so they
can manage this agreement fairly. Joey and Suzie play peacefully for the rest
of the afternoon.
Have you handled
this situation in a biblical manner?
According to the principles presented in Shepherding A Child’s Heart, the answer is no! You successfully dealt
with the behavior problem, but in no way did you deal with the underlying heart
issues that caused the problem. The
root problem in this scenario was selfishness, which is a sin. If you are truly focused on the heart of
your child, you will use this situation to teach your children the biblical
truth of putting others first (Philippians 2:1-5), and show them their need to
trust in the Lord to fulfill this precept.
“Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the
issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
“…for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.” (Luke 6:45b)
When you think about
parenting your children, are these some of the verses that first come to your
mind? Probably not! Yet Tedd Tripp, author of “Shepherding A
Child’s Heart,” says that they teach us that outward behavior is not the
fundamental issue – the issue is “What is going on in the heart?” Tedd Tripp states:
This emphasis is the fundamental tenet of this book: The heart is the wellspring of life. Therefore parenting is concerned with shepherding the heart. You must learn to work from the behavior you see back to the heart exposing heart issues for your children. Parents often get sidetracked with behavior. The thing that alerts you to your child’s need for correction is his behavior. (p. 6)
What is the problem? you ask.
The problem is this: your child’s needs are far more profound than his
aberrant behavior. Remember, his
behavior does not just spring forth uncaused.
His behavior… reflects his heart… you must be concerned with the
attitude of heart that drives his behavior. (p. 3, 6)
…Therefore, your parenting goal cannot simply be well-behaved
children. (p. xx)
…your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to
understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ. It underscores the need for a Savior. (p. 6)
The central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment
of themselves as sinners. They must understand the mercy of God, who offered
Christ as a sacrifice for sinners. How
is that accomplished? You must address
the heart as the fountain of behavior and the conscience as the God-given judge
of right and wrong. The cross of Christ
must be the central focus of your childrearing… the focal point of your
discipline and correction must be your children seeing their utter inability to
do the things that God requires unless they know the help and strength of
God. (p. 123)
Parents tend to see their children’s behavior in very naive
terms. We see the fight over a toy as
simply a fight over a toy, when actually it is a failure to prefer others. It is selfishness. (p. 181)
These are some of
the highlights of “Shepherding A Child’s Heart.” Mr. Tripp has written a very thought provoking and biblically
based book on what he describes as the central role of parents – shepherding a
child’s heart.
This 211-page book
is divided into 2 sections. Part One,
entitled “Foundations for Biblical Childrearing,” addresses how we are to
think. Your child’s development,
getting to the heart of behavior, our biblical basis for authority, examining
and re-working our goals, embracing biblical methods, and more are all
discussed in detail.
Part Two of the
book, “Shepherding Through The Stages Of Childhood,” then applies these
principles to the specific ages of childhood; infancy to the teen years. For
each stage of development there is a chapter on “Training Objectives,” followed
by a chapter on “Training Procedures.” Each chapter in the book also concludes
with “Application Questions;” questions designed to really make you think about
your own perspectives on parenting and how you apply them in your home. “Shepherding
A Child’s Heart” may very well challenge the way you look at parenting.
A word of
caution. The author several times uses
the word “covenant;” as in “covenantal choices,” “covenant of faith,”
“covenantal being,” etc . . . and with no explanation as to what he means. He
is also unclear on his definition of “repent.”
Nevertheless, this
was a great book. It was based on scripture, challenging (“What are my
goals?”), and provided lots of helpful insight and direction. So many books deal merely with your child’s
outward behavior, and end there.
“Shepherding A Child’s Heart” brings us beyond that – filling a gap that
is lacking in much parenting literature.
If you only read a couple of books on parenting, this should be one of
them. You may not agree with everything stated, but it will certainly make you
think, and it is definitely well worth reading.
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of
counselors there is safety.” (Prov.
11:14) ¢
To order your copy of this book…
Call Shepherd Press at 1-800-338-1445,
or visit their web site at: www.shepherdpress.com.
Tom &
Cathy Gustafson are members of Duluth Bible Church, where Tom serves as an elder
and teaches in the Grace Institute of Biblical Studies.