(On
Singleness, Widowhood, and Aging)
by Lydia M. Erb
Thoughts on Singleness
If only I could be married, I’d
be happy! When I hear
someone say that, I feel like asking, “Why aren’t you happy now?” A woman who is unhappy or discontented as a
single person is not apt to find that marriage would live up to her
expectations.
The problem is one of attitude —
self-centeredness. A woman should not
desire marriage for the purpose of having someone to cater to her needs
or desires. Rather, she should be
thinking of whether she could enrich the life of her husband if the Lord
would grant one for her. Instead of
feeling that her virtues are being overlooked, she should be more concerned
about letting the Lord make her into the kind of person who would be a
desirable partner for a worthy man. A
discontented woman will not be an encouragement to friendship, nor a desire to
know her better.
Contentment is a matter of
choice. The Apostle Paul states, “…I
have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” (Phil. 4:11b) Paul was in jail when he wrote that! Contentment can be learned, regardless of circumstances. I Tim. 6:6 reminds us, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.” Whether married or single, our relationship
to the Lord Jesus Christ is the key to finding satisfaction in life. When we find our joy in having a close walk
with the Lord, it really doesn’t matter whether we are married or single.
I can speak from “both sides of the fence.” I was contented being single. Although I was not looking for a husband, the Lord brought one to me when I was twenty-six years of age. After twenty-one years of a satisfying marriage, the Lord took my partner Home—and then I was single again. I’ve spent more years being single than married, both before and after marriage. It has been my experience that as long as the Lord Jesus Christ is central in a person’s life, the single person can be just as joyful, contented, and fulfilled as those who are married. I do not envy those who are happily married—and when I see or hear of those who have marital problems, I’m glad I’m single! “It’s better to be single than to wish you were!” That saying could be verified by too many persons!
Although a successful marriage
has its advantages, so does a single life.
It is simpler for an unmarried woman to spend more time in prayer and in
the Word of God than for a woman who has a husband and family to care for. With fewer responsibilities, there is more
freedom to help in the activities of the local church, and to be available for
counseling, for extending hospitality, and for fulfilling a ministry of
prayer. In our busy modern age there is
much need for prayer for missionaries, for our brothers and sisters in Christ,
as well as for the unsaved around the world, for our homes, our nation, for
ourselves — the list is endless. There
is no lack of things to do, as we’re told in Eph. 5:16 to be “Redeeming the time because the days are
evil.” Certainly if we look around for
opportunities to serve, there is no room for boredom.
Whether married or single, we
can discover blessings in the common things of life. Do we take time to enjoy a beautiful sunrise or sunset; the songs
of the birds or the chorus of the frogs in the spring; the loveliness or
fragrance of the flowers in bloom? Do
we take God’s creation for granted without appreciating it? Are we thankful that we have all of our
senses to enjoy all that the Lord has provided? How we react makes a difference in our view of life in general.
We can develop a thankful
attitude for blessings great or small.
If we grumble or complain because of what we don’t have, we show that we
are ungrateful. Unthankfulness is a sin. In Romans chapter 1, we read of the
seriousness of sin. Verse 21 states, “Because that when they knew God, they
glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful…”
The rest of the chapter describes the gross sins that followed. Ingratitude indicates that we really don’t
believe that what God has chosen for us is best. We seem to think that if we had our way, we could
do a better job of ordering our lives than God does! In Ps. 84:11b the Psalmist wrote, “ . . . No good thing will He withhold from them that walk
uprightly.” Do we really believe
that? If so, we can be contented with
our lot in life.
A missionary lady who had never
married remarked, “I think a husband must be a no good thing.”
“Why do you say that?” asked her
friend.
“Because Ps. 84:11 says, ‘For
the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no
good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly.’ I’ve lived an upright life and the Lord
hasn’t given me a husband. So what
other conclusion could I come to?”
The little chorus, J-O-Y (Jesus
and Others and You) has a practical message.
If you put Jesus first, others second, and yourself last, you will have
real joy. Most people put
themselves first, so is it any wonder that they miss God’s best?
If you are still without a
life-partner, just patiently wait upon the Lord, with the assurance that His
plans are always best. His timing is
perfect. Cheerful acceptance of the
Lord’s will for your life will be reflected in everything you do. Is it His will for you to have a
husband? If so, in His time He will provide
one for you. Is it His will for you to
remain single? If so, accept the
challenge gracefully and make the most of the opportunities it will bring to
serve Him. (Having a “pity party” won’t help!)
In either case, remember Phil. 4:4, “Rejoice
in the Lord always, and again I say, Rejoice!” You can rejoice, if you will. The choice is yours.
Thoughts on Widowhood
Since statistics show that women
outlive men by five years, married women should not be surprised if sooner or
later widowhood is their lot. Some
widows find this time much more difficult than others. Every case is different. However, for a person who knows and trusts
in the Lord Jesus Christ, even this time can be a challenge and an opportunity
to display the sufficiency of God’s grace.
I found it so.
I have been a widow for
thirty-five years and I know that God keeps His promises to care for His
children. Theoretically, I knew that
the Lord would give grace to face bereavement and the adjustments to follow. But it was during the time that I actually
went through the experience that my faith was strengthened, and I knew experientially
what I had previously believed. 2 Cor.
12:9 “My grace is sufficient for
thee . . .” was indeed true. Being
fortified by God’s Word, I could rest in His precious promises. The God of All Comfort was very real to me,
and He gave unexplainable peace.
We have a tendency to remember
the pleasant things and to forget the unpleasant happenings of the past. That is good, since we can’t change them
anyway, and our attitude about the past can greatly influence our future. But what were the early days of my widowhood
really like? I decided to re-read what
I had written in my diary in 1965 during the first year following my husband’s
home-going. I wanted to detect the
general flavor of the new phase of my life.
What did I find?
Loneliness? Devastation? Complaint?
Self-pity? No, not at all! Instead, I found purposeful activity and
satisfaction.
Life must go on. By keeping busy, there was no time for self-pity. Adjustments had to be made—the transfer of
the title of the car, insurance, oil changes, and other common affairs of
life. My husband and I had been
involved in enrolling children in the Scripture Memory Program of the Rural
Bible Crusade (now Bible Impact
Ministries). At that time we were still
making contacts with the pupils in schools that were under the jurisdiction of
the County Superintendents of Schools, even though consolidation of schools
made it increasingly difficult. Since
we had done this together, I simply continued alone.
I discovered from my diary that
in 1965 I had contacted schools in seven counties in Minnesota and four
counties in North Dakota. That summer I
had taught seven VBS’s and conducted the week of RBC Camp near Bemidji. (Camp was the final award for those
completing the Bible memory work or the required Bible lessons.) Going by bus, I had also attended the RBC
Workers’ Conference for four days in Wheaton, Illinois, where National RBC
headquarters were located at that time.
Throughout the year, there were
letters to write, Bible lessons to check, prayer-newsletters to send, calls to
make, speaking engagements in various places to show slides of RBC work,
etc. Any spare time could be used for
making flash-card stories or illustrated songbooks such as we use in VBS. I still managed to make three trips to visit
my relatives—at Easter, in September, and Christmas.
Our National RBC had recommended
my moving from Minneapolis where I lived to an area farther west, closer to the
Dakotas. After checking several places,
I moved to Alexandria in October of 1965 where I got settled in a rooming house
owned by my friends, Kenneth and Hazel Clark.
That is where I lived for the next nine years before moving to the Iron
Range. Adjustments continued—new areas,
new friends, and as time went by, I could no longer make contacts through the
schools. Children could still be
contacted through VBS, Bible clubs, or other ways, and summers were still full
of VBS and Camp.
As I was going through my diary,
I was reminded again of the Lord’s care.
I had planned to go to Wisconsin on September 1, so I filled my car’s
gas tank on the previous day. On my
trip when I came near Hudson, I felt that I might as well get some gas at the
last station before entering Wisconsin where gas was higher, even though I
hadn’t traveled very far. Imagine my
surprise when the gas pump kept on pumping and pumping and pumping — 19
gallons! Thieves during the night had
not only stolen the gas but had also broken the gas gauge, which had still
registered FULL as I had expected it would be.
How gracious the Lord was to keep me from being stranded on the freeway,
wondering what could be wrong with my ’64 Chev! Only the Lord knows how many times He kept me from other problems
or dangers that I wasn’t even aware of at the time.
I think that the Lord has given
special care to widows. In both the Old
Testament and in the New Testament, provisions were made for widows. For examples, see such passages as Ex. 22:22,
Deut. 24:17, Deut. 24:19-21, Ps. 68:5, Acts 6:1-3, I Tim. 5:16, or James
1:27. It would have been more difficult
in those days than today for widows to make a living. Yet even the aged widow, the prophetess Anna, served the Lord in
the temple night and day, according to Luke 2:30-38. She could pray! That
option is open to God-fearing widows today as well.
The Lord was extra gracious in preparing me for being a widow. My husband and I had always worked together in RBC work, so I could just continue in it. For the last five years or so of his life, we knew of his heart problem so by this time I was used to carrying suitcases, VBS supplies, loading and unloading the car, etc. The Lord blessed me with good health, so that was no problem.
Another thing that made the
transition easier was that I had been made aware of the time when I would need
to be prepared — even before it happened.
My husband had often said, “I won’t always be here, so you will need to
know this.” How wise he was! In December of 1964 when he went to be with
the Lord, it meant a lot to me to know his wishes concerning his burial. In September he had told me that he didn’t
want to be buried in Minneapolis, but rather in the cemetery in Pittsville,
Wisconsin, which was my hometown! “You have to think of the living,” he had stated.
Of course we didn’t know when he
would reach the end of his earthly journey, but the Lord did, and He graciously
kept us from being involved in an accident.
Norman’s heart attack occurred while he was stopped at a red light on a
busy street in Minneapolis as we were on our way to spend Christmas in
Wisconsin — God’s perfect timing — Home for Christmas!
Widowhood would be much more
complicated if bereavement was totally unexpected, or if young children were
involved. My niece, Sue, lost her
husband in December of 1996 after Larry’s fight with leukemia for several
years. That had involved chemo
treatments, bone marrow transplant, illness, hospitalization, and uncertainty
with the ups and downs of the disease.
It was very hard on the four children ranging in age from six years to
high school age. The grieving process
was especially hard for the two youngest children. This had been a very close family, and the children missed their
dad so much. Sue had also been
home-schooling the children, but that had to be discontinued—another change for
the family. Before her marriage, Sue
had worked as an RN, so after a year, she updated her nursing skills and is now
working again as an RN. She loves her
work, but it is difficult for a single parent with all the responsibility. They have bought a home, the oldest daughter
is now in her second year at a Christian college, and the second daughter will
be attending the same college next year.
Adjustments seem to have been made very well by this time. Through all the testing and trials, their
firm faith in the Lord Jesus Christ was displayed, and the church with which
they are associated has been a tremendous help to the family in every way. What would a young widow do if she were
unsaved and lacked such help and encouragement at such a time!
Thus widowhood varies. Perhaps some of you who are reading this
have gone through bereavement and experienced widowhood, and you know from
experience what it means to enter another phase of life. You may be able to minister to someone else
who faces a similar situation. Since
widowhood is still a possibility for any married woman, it would be wise to
think ahead to be better prepared—but don’t be gloomy or overdo it!
Some of these suggestions may
prove to be helpful if you ever become a widow:
1.
Keep occupied, but reserve time for the Lord Jesus Christ
and His Word.
2.
Don’t try to forget, but rather enjoy memories of the
past.
3.
Speak naturally about your departed spouse so friends will
not be hesitant to speak.
4.
Accept invitations, and open your home to others.
5.
Be alert to the needs of others.
6.
Maintain a constant companionship with the Lord Jesus
Christ. Keep lines of communication
open.
7.
Develop a thankful, cheerful spirit in spite of
circumstances, demonstrating the sufficiency of God’s grace.
8.
Form some close friends who can help with special needs.
9.
Pray often, for others as well as for yourself.
Remember that the life of a widow can still be rewarding.
Thoughts on Aging
Somebody has said, “Everybody wants to live long, but nobody wants to grow old!” You can’t live long without aging!
J. Oswald Sanders wrote:
Aging is a slow biological
change that comes to all, but aging is not the same as being old. Aging is a process, and being old is a state
of mind. Old age is relative. Many elderly people are very youthful in
spirit, and some young people are old at 25.
Terminology varies by different
sociologists. The simplest
classification would be: the chronological age — the measurement of our
age by our time standard; the physiological age — as reflected in one’s
vital function and physical condition; and the psychological age — as
gauged by the way one feels and acts or reacts to people or circumstances.
The same person can have three different ages. Our powers and abilities do not deteriorate overnight just because we have reached a certain age.
OUR CHRONOLOGICAL AGE — We
can’t do anything about that. We were
born!
OUR PHYSIOLOGICAL AGE —
Although we can’t do anything about inherited tendencies toward certain
problems, we can influence our physiological age. Good health habits should be maintained.
Some things we can do to
encourage good health:
1.
Have a healthful diet, and avoid alcohol and other drugs
as well as tobacco products.
2.
Get enough rest — Danger of too many jobs, or overworking
while going to school.
3.
Have the right mental attitude — Optimism instead of
pessimism. Reality, not idealism.
4.
Maintain close spiritual relationship with the Lord Jesus
Christ. It helps!
5.
Get enough exercise – walking is simplest.
6.
Internalize God’s Word – Memorize. Meditate.
Apply.
7.
Avoid bitterness, resentment, envy, jealousy, and grudges.
8.
Avoid stressful jobs, nerve-wracking situations. (Better a lower income than a job that ruins
health!)
9.
Avoid the danger of wanting too much. Beware of covetousness!
10.
Trust God instead of worrying.
11.
Maintain a cheerful outlook on life.
OUR PSYCHOLOGICAL AGE — We can
do something about that! Most people
feel younger on the inside than their chronological age indicates. Attitude makes the difference.
Some things we can do to stay
young longer:
1.
Enjoy close fellowship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Keep short accounts with Him.
2.
Endeavor to maintain good physical health.
3.
Develop a thankful attitude. Recognize God’s provisions daily.
4.
Be cheerful—not gloomy.
It’s contagious!
5.
Be saturated with God’s Word. It helps a person relax and be at peace.
6.
Learn to appreciate God’s creation. Be alert to sunrise, sunset, singing birds,
etc.
7.
Think of others.
Don’t be self-centered.
8.
Think often of Christ’s return for believers. It’s a purifying hope.
9.
Cultivate friendships.
Make some close friends. Include
children.
10.
Learn from the lives of others, both young and old.
11.
Enlarge your concern for people around the world. Pray!
12.
Be alert to anything you might be able to do to help
others.
13.
Be sure of your future so you can face eternity
with serenity.
14.
Remember we reap what we sow. Live carefully. g
Mrs. Lydia Erb has been actively involved in ministry at Heritage Trail Bible Church, Gilbert, MN since 1974.